Bear With Me: An Open Letter to Past and Potential Dates

21 Dec

To all those I have dated or might date:

I know I might not be the best date, despite following 8 out of the 9 expert-recommended dating habits.  Upon some reflection, I’ve narrowed the reasons for my occasional romantic dysfunction.  Below are a few key ones of which to take note:

First, I can be sarcastic.  While you may initially smirk at my spunkiness, it’s only a matter of time before I put my foot in my mouth, or accidentally hit below-the-belt.  This, combined with my reluctance to indulge half-assed or dull stories, makes me come off as aggressive.  You just need to believe me when I say that my banter comes from a place of affection.  If I really thought poorly of you, I wouldn’t spend time with you.  On the other hand, the wry humor sometimes takes a backseat to truly awful not-yo cheese jokes, which might be even more off-putting.

Moving past the humor into substantive conversation, there is a very high likelihood that I will bring up abortion or STI prevention on the first date.  Sexy, I know.

I also realize that I have my own set of quirks which rivals those of my past romantic interests.  For instance, I’m a huge people watcher.  Try not to be insulted if I can tell you the brand of shoes the girl at the next table is wearing, but not the color of your eyes.  Also, I sometimes get unexpectedly buzzed off two beers.  Just so you know, I really didn’t mean to show up drunk that time.  And just so you know, that’s probably why I asked you what town in Vermont you were from three times.  Lastly, dancing with me is kind of a Jekyll-and-Hyde prospect; sometimes I shake it like Beyonce, other times I look like an orangutan.  Really just depends on my mood.

Oh man, all this and I haven’t even gotten to the check awkwardness yet…


So, anyone of relevance brave enough to point out other quirks?


3 Responses to “Bear With Me: An Open Letter to Past and Potential Dates”

  1. thoroughly modern milli vanilli December 21, 2011 at 3:14 am #

    I LOVE nacho cheese jokes! But god, remind me never to date you 😉

  2. thoroughly modern milli vanilli December 21, 2011 at 3:26 am #

    Also: which of the 9 rules do you not follow? We’re not talking Jersey Shore easy…

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